Theft Proof Your Bike The Ridiculous Way

Nothing sucks worse than having your bike stolen. I have friends who have had upwards of three bikes stolen, and I have upwards of ten friends who have had any bike stolen. Bike theft is easy in cities and college campuses. Bikes seem to grow like flowers, and people will pay for a used bike without asking too many questions about its origin. Bike theft is a good way for people to make some quick cash. Heck, if I weren't the moral, upstanding person I choose to be, I'd totally steal a nice sports bike to pay the rent.

They say that when outrunning a grizzly bear, you don't necessarily need to be fast; you just need to be faster than the person behind you...

The same rule applies to bike theft. You don't need to make your bike super secure. To prevent bike theft, you just need to make your bike slightly more annoying and unattractive than the other bikes on the rack.

Or you can always get a pennyfarthing bicycle. It's impossible to look cool while stealing a pennyfarthing bicycle. I certainly wouldn't do it.

I told you this was a ridiculous way to prevent bike theft. However, all of my friends who took the effort to make their bikes as ugly and strange looking as possible still have those bicycles. Fine, maybe they don't look as flashy, but when you're young and poor, all you really want is any bike to get you from point A to point B. This is difficult to accomplish if your bike goes missing due to bike theft.

• Cover the frame with duct tape. Duct tape is cool. It's also super annoying to take off. If a thief has to choose between the bike he'd have to de-duct tape and the bike requiring a lot less work to resell, what do you think he's going to go with?
• Not a duct tape person? Give it a hideous paint job. If you don't feel up to the task, enlist an artistically challenged friend to do it for you.

You can deal with an ugly bike. A thief has less incentive to. If the thought of defacing your precious sports bike is too much, find a place to store that bike inside.

While it certainly gives you an anti-theft boost to ugly-up your bike, there's a few measures all bicyclists should take to theft-proof their bicycle.

Remember, no bike is entirely theft proof. If a bike thief is determined enough, they will be able to steal your bike. The key is to make your bike more annoying to steal than the other bikes. This includes taking such measures as:

• Investing in a U-Lock. Most people who have had bikes stolen have used chains, padlocks, and cables. These are easy to cut through in under a minute, making for quick, easy, stealthy thefts. A U-Lock has to be sawed through, which takes much longer. This means a higher chance of getting caught. A bike thief is just like the rest of us; he or she wants to do things the easy way. Chains, padlocks, and cables? MUCH easier. For extra security, park your bike next to a poorly secured bike. If any one bike gets stolen, it probably won't be yours.
• Locking the frame AND the wheel. Many folks lose their bike frame and come back to find their front wheel and their U-lock, with the rest of the bike missing. Front wheels are easy to remove, and relatively inexpensive to replace. An opportunistic bike thief might snag your frame and resell it with a new front wheel.
• Only lock to solid metal. A good friend of mine lost her bike because she locked it onto a wooden post. The thief sawed through the post and stole the bicycle. Anything resembling a bike rack and connected to the ground is good. Think like a thief? What is too hefty, too annoying to saw through? Could you undo a single screw and lift the bike over the pole? If so, find a different place.

And of course, when all else fails, get a pennyfarthing bicycle.